"The Jig Is Up, the News Is Out..."

It's April Fools Day. I *never* do anything for April Fools' Day. Sometimes it's because I'm just not feeling "it," whatever the heck that mysterious "it" is. But mostly it's because my prankster prowess peaked at age 6. It was a good prank -- a REALLY good prank, but when you pull off something really great so young, it's basically un-toppable. I've always been an opportunistic hunter. I grab chances as they rush by me and so as I remember it, my "great caper" didn't even occur on a nationally recognized day of frivolity. I don't remember much about the time of year it was, but I do remember it all went down on a Sunday. 

We lived in a little duplex and the bathroom at that time had an issue with ants (trekking to the sink for water, I suppose). Being the environmentally conscious people that we were, we did the only thing we could consider to get rid of those ants -- we blasted them with caustic cleaning chemicals over and over until they learned to stay the heck away from our bathroom and out of our sight! 

The day before, my mom had made me "straighten up" the bathroom before I could go out & play with the neighborhood kids and I was very resentful of it. So resentful in fact, that I wasted a lot of time during what should have been a ten minute job being an ornery snot face. I took some cetacaine spray we had on hand to numb the occasional mouth sore or mouth ache and I SOAKED my mom's toothbrush with it. When I was done, I sat her toothbrush back in the holder neatly and went on with my work. Only I couldn't have planned it to come out so spectacularly if I'd tried -- especially if I had tried! 

The next day, ("great caper Sunday") just before we were about to rush out the door for church, my unsuspecting mother went to brush her teeth. The toothpaste evidently masked the banana flavor of the cetacaine so when her mouth went totally and completely numb after a minute of brushing, she assumes the worst! She assumes that the aforementioned caustic cleaners have somehow contaminated her toothbrush and she has accidentally poisoned herself. She immediately jets into action, reading the back of the bottle for the "if ingested" information and obediently drinking what must've been almost an entire gallon of water. Then she calls my dad at work and with a shaky voice explains the whole scenario to him. At this point, while I've wanted to tell her what I did, her frenzy of action and the obvious worry in her demeanor had intimidated me so much I was scared to tell her. Against my own instinct of self preservation, I interrupt her spiel and explain myself. Of course she was mad at me, but she was so relieved that I don't really remember getting into too much trouble over it all, which makes it an especially great ending for me!

Since such good tomfoolery is so rarely laid in one's lap, April Fools' Day is usually just a day I spend as a jaded cynic, refusing to believe anything from anyone. My best highjinks never happen *on* AFD. However this morning, it was as though the stars aligned and glittery unicorns pulled back the heavy veil of practicality over my mind and as the bright sunlight of inspiration danced over the long-darkened recesses of my lobes of levity, an idea came to me! ****MEN WHO ARE EMBARRASSED BY THE MENSTRUAL CYCLE NEED NOT READ THE NEXT FEW LINES -- only know that prior to today, my dearest hubby was prepared for the possibility of an impending Baby Dayton**** In all actuality, I really was two days late, of which Matt was well informed. What he didn't know was that this morning however, had marked the beginning of all the usual signs of my "monthly." I was on the fence about the prank still because I wasn't really sure I could pull it off. Then he texts me, "You should post on FB that you're pregnant in celebration of AFD."

"LOL! You're funnier than you know!" I reply. I'm really getting into the idea of it all now.

"What, little ol' me?"......."Unless you really are pregnant and that's why I'm funnier than I know."

That's it, I'm SOLD on the idea. But how in the WORLD do you fake a pregnancy test? HELLO! You call upon the services of a lady who isn't faking! 

I feverishly text a friend of mind with what I'm pretty sure is the most odd request I've ever had of someone -- Can you pee on my stick? She happily obliges and soon I'm rushing to get home with the "bait" and leave it for Matt to "find" while I'm still out "running errands." Once my errands are completed, I return home to relish in the fruits of my labor. Matt says, "I saw your test in the bathroom..."
"So what do you think of it?"

"Nothing really; it's negative...What do you mean?"

WHAT?! No way *that* thing is negative! My friend is only a month from delivery -- it's unfakable at that point! I rush in and grab the test. Nope, it is indeed positive. As it turns out, Matt is just pregnancy test illiterate. 

I am sooooo bummed -- all that for nothin'? But as a consolation prize, I send two photos to my mom via text message: The first is a closeup of the positive test with the caption, "Sooooooo, what do you want to be called?!" and the second is a photo of me grinning (quite genuinely) with the test in hand and a caption that reads, "...Just so you don't think it's some April Fool's photo I pulled off the internet..."

"Are you serious?!!!! Really? Really?" 

"It's positive, I promise!!!"

"I'm so excited!"...."I called daddy!"....."He's excited too"

"It's April Fools'...."

"Are you serious? That is cruel, now I have to call daddy back"...."I'm ready to kill you!!! You little brat"

Needless to say, while it was fun at first, now I feel like a mean butt-face. I just don't have the heart to trick someone so very genuinely happy and then pull the proverbial rug from beneath them! Even my apology call doesn't help. 

So with one bust and one much too successful attempt, I'm going to try once more for that perfect balance of doubt and acceptance in my victim(s). Enter Facebook. I post the same two photos that I'd sent to my mother and within mere seconds, the "likes" and congrats start pouring in. And FINALLY along with the well-wishes, all the FB skeptics jump in with that dash of distrust and uncertainty that assuages my guilt! SUCCESS!! (Of course I did send PM's to several well-wishers that I didn't want taking it too seriously!)

Long story short? I decided to today that because of her trust and sincerity, my mom is basically my best target for the brunt of all my shenanigans. And in addition, she's also the best sport EVER. And of course that makes it even worse for my throbbing guilt. Love you, Mom!